my life
is that...my mom? That's not her...that's just a breathing pile of meat that looks like her. Hell, she's not even breathing, a machine is doing it for her. The mom I know wouldn't stand for all this crap stuck into her. She's too stubborn. Let's be honest, she's a bitch. So whatever the hell that nonsense is...
She's opening her eyes...constricted pupils. She squeezed my hand. Is she really seeing any of this? Is she really in there? We all stand around and talk to her, about her as if she weren't there. Because mostly, she isn't there. The doctor insists on whispering for some reason. It's not like he's going to disturb anybody.
The car. What's the deal with the car? Aside from having a telephone pole where the shifting knob should be and having the roof cut off so they could get her out...somebody else is taking care of it? Good. Great. Never liked that fuckin car anyway, with her driving record she should have something sturdier. Obviously.
Boss is on the phone. You know what? Who gives a fuck about work. They've been pissing me off anyway, for their crap job.
Homework is piling up...I was suppossed to be catching up this week. Looks like that isn't happening. Wasn't doing too hot in school anyway.
Girlfriend is sick as all hell. I wish I could do something, I do what I can.
Today, two hundred miles away, my mom wrote "H2O" on a piece of paper. Does it sound stupid to say "Well, she's doing pretty well...she's breathing mostly on her own now, and sortof asked for some water, and the physical therapist got her to lift her hand". Because, see, the thing is, five days ago we weren't sure if she'd ever be able to do those things ever again. And three days ago we figured it might take weeks.
Have to drive back out there tommorow. Looks like most of my days off for the next several weeks (months?) are going to be spent driving back and forth.
I had a high school reunion tommorow. Five years. Never liked those people either.
I'm twenty three, and it turns out that I am listed as the primary power of attorney for my mom. So that means, before they can do anything, they have to call me. I make the Decisions. I'm the General on the field trying to coordinate everything. My family is doing great, but...my grandmother is looking at me for what to do. What a terribly aging experience.
My brother got home today. Pretty shitty reason to have to come home, but at least he's here. He wants to go visit his girlfriend on the way to see mom. I don't blame him, it's not like she's going anywhere. But I'm not driving out to Bumfuck, Pennsyltucky either. Looks like he has to find his own ride.
I couldn't stop shaking the other day. Just got back in town, and spent the morning driving like a madman trying to get to Latrobe and then to work on time. Felt tired, and sick, and couldn't stop shaking. Couldn't eat anything. I kept pausing in the middle of doing things and...stopping. Just staring into space. Lost time. Thank God I have a boring, routine, mindless but relaxing job. Most enjoyable thing I've done in days is go to my crap job.
I still don't know if I have today off work. Tough shit. If they want me to come in, they'll have to call me.
And hey, my mom's doing better. All her psycho friends are coming to visit, from the pro psychic to the the hawaiian Kahuna to the angry ex-steelworker. Great. At least the nurses are nice.
Went to breakfast today with my girlfriend, before she went to Thanksgiving with her family. When I got back, somehow the key to my building had shattered in my pocket. I have no idea how that happened, never seen anything like it. And hey, it's a Holiday, so the office is closed and the caretaker with an impossibly thick Russian accent is hours away. Another day of driving frantically to work...stopped to buy smokes on the way in, didnt' have time but what the hell. Got caught behind a girl who insisted on buying every piece of candy in the sunoco...one. piece. at. a. time. I could've killed her.
I had a brief Thanksgiving: the guy I worked with tonight brought in a second plate of bird and stuffing prepared by his girlfriend's mother that he gave to me. I found a teevee that would play the football game and ate dinner between rounds. By myself, it probably took about twenty minutes while I watched the end of the second quarter and the halftime show of the cryboys/bears game. Hey, that Beyonce chick or whatever her name is is fucking hot. who knew? And they had a bit of a military salute, and he high school kids rocked. And that woman, who put together a thanksgiving dinner for someone she has never met and about whom she knows absolutly nothing, that woman is my new favorite person on the whole planet.
Did a double shift today. I'm still short on hours, which means I'll have less money a few weeks from now. Money I don't have. Checked my bank statement...not pretty.
I have a hard time with some of my family. I have to stay out there, but...we're the white trash wing of the family. My lifestyle, everything from the way I talk to the amount I drink...dosen't really piss them off, they just find distasteful. They've been ridiculously nice to me, but they find me distateful. Too fuckin bad for them, but it sure does make things that much more difficult. more stress I don't need.
I hear my mom was actually almost aware today. I'll find out for myself later today, assuming I still have the day off work. A few weeks in the hospital, a few months of rehab, she'll be fine. It's not like she hasn't done this before.
But holy fuck.
