mark is dead, stop calling me already
If you should ever need to call the R&D facility of a multinational corporation and ask for an individual, do not say: "Hi, is Mark there?" There are over a hundred employees and six different people named "Mark" here. I counted. So don't get snippy with me when I have to explain, for the fourth time this week, that I again failed to bring my fucking crystal ball to work and as such am unable to divine which "Mark" you want without a last name.
Similarly, there are at least two dozen people here with "Lee" or "Li" or "Lei" or "Lea" somewhere in their name. Maybe we need to diversify, but that's not my area.
Also, I do not know where Mark is, or when he'll be back, or if he's in the building or, for that matter, even still alive. My X-Ray glasses are, unofortunatly, sitting at home on the table for "Stuff I Should Take to Work" right next to the crystal ball, so I can't see up five floors and across the building to see if Mark is at his desk or on the can or in the closet banging his secretary. Er, sorry, in the closet banging his "Administrative Assistant".
And even if Mark just bummed a smoke off me and walked out the door to his Miata (which, of course, would never happen; Mark dosen't smoke), I still couldn't tell you if he was here. Why not? Company policy. Sure, I think it's dumb too. But that's what I get paid for: to enforce dumb rules and irritate people like you.
Another company policy: You will get absolutely nowhere calling me up and asking for the "Building Manager" or "Office Manager" or "HR Director" or whoever it is you're trying to sell something to, unless you have their name. Not just Mark, his full name. I know you just saw that name in the newspaper anyway. I don't care what you're selling or how many times you call back or how irritated you get, all I'll say is "I don't know who holds that position here" even if I do know and "You'll have to get that information off our website". The information you're looking for probably isn't on the website, but hopefully by the time you figure that out it will be someone else's shift.
My favorite salespeople like this are ballsier: they walk into the building and just breeze through the lobby to the elevators and hit a number. Presumably, they'll just wander all six floors trying to look like they belong there until they find whomever they think it is they're looking for. Of course, they don't look at all like they belong there and besides, I know everybody working in the building, at least to say hello to, but I let 'em go anyway. Because, see, you need security clearance to get past the lobby or onto any of the floors. So, slick as hell, they jump into an elevator car and start pushing buttons, but after a few minutes of not going anywhere they sheepishly push the "door open" button and are stuck with me grinning at them from across the room.
And no, I'm not letting you upstairs. Put on your best used-car salesman face and your best "I'm dealing with an underling that will do what I tell him if I tell him enough times" tone, the only place you're going is back out the front door after wasting lots of air and fifteen minutes of my time.
And no, I'm not calling Mark for you.
